[Listening to: Bauhaus' Bela Lugosi's Dead]
Happy Halloween all!
This one is for Vince, who told me this one a long time ago:
A man walks into a bar he's never been in before. He sees a horse in the corner of the building, and a bucket full of money next to him. He orders a beer and asks the bartender about the horse. "It's a sort of game we have - you put five dollars in the bucket and you try to make the horse laugh. If you do, you get the bucket of money."
So the man finishes his beer, walks over to the horse and drops a fiver in the bucket. He whispers something in the horse's ear, and the horse is just about rolling on the floor laughing. Man takes the bucket o' cash and leaves.
Next week, same man, same bar, same horse - except the bartender says the rules have changed: in order to score the cash you have to make the horse cry. So our man finishes his beer, walks over to the horse, drops a five in the bucket, and soon after the equine is bawling it's eyes out. The man grabs the bucket and starts to leave, but the bartender stops him and asks "So how did you do it?"
The man replies "Last week I told him I was hung better than he was, this week I showed him."
One year ago today Litmus Green played their last gig at the Showcase Theatre in Corona California. 12 longs, fun years.
A lot has changed in the last year: I abandoned California for Illinois, got a kick ass job with a really cool company. I'm well on my way to being able to buy a house. Coolest of all, Lare and Brendi got married.
Some things haven't changed much. Sean is still Sean, I'm happy to report. Although he seems to have mellowed a bit. Mat is still Mat. Rick is still Rick. Ron is still Ron.
I do miss the band, and all my friends. Lossing touch with everyone has been the worst part of coming out here (it's not cold enough yet for me to thing that is the hardest part). Lare is the only one from the band that I still communicate with semi regularly. We've all drifted apart since the band broke up, and that is sad. I think that after 12 years of focus on the band and it being what always brought us together that when that 'glue' was taken away it just became harder to get together or keep in touch. All our lives outside the band became so different over the years that without that common ground it was hard to stick together, I suppose.
Oh well, times change. I raise a glass to you all and I wish you all the best. Rest in peace, Litmus Green. You deserve it.
Since I missed posting the BJotW last friday I'll post two today. Aren't you lucky?
Read on if you dare...
This first one is for Oscar:
An Englishman, Scottsman and Irishman are sitting in a pub together and each orders a Guinness. After waiting the requisite time for the proper pouring, the three Guinnesses arrive at their table.
Just then, three flies that came in with the Frenchman at the next table simultaneously take a dive, separately into each man's drink. The trio are taken aback for a second but regain their composure.
The Englishman waves to the bar maiden and asks for a fresh pint.
The Scottsman plucks the fly from his Guinness and he continues drinking.
But the Irishman grabs the fly, holds it above his drink and shouts "SPIT IT OUT YA BASTARD! SPIT IT OUT!"
Wasn't that hilarious?! Here's one more:
A small, white duck goes into a bar, jumps on the barstool, orders a shot of booze and says to the bartender "listen, I'm a bricklayer on the construction site nearby. The works will last for some time and I'll be coming here every day around lunchtime for a shot of booze, so think about some discount or something". The duck drinks the shot, jumps off the stool and goes out.
The bartender is shocked, he's never seen a talking duck before, so he calls his friend who owns a circus: "listen, there's a talking duck coming to my bar, come tomorrow around lunchtime and see for yourself'. So the next day the circus owner waits in the bar and the duck goes in, jumps on the barstool and orders a shot of booze. The circus manager overcomes his awe and says: "Hello sir, I'm a circus owner and I wan't to offer you a job. I can give you whatever money you want, plus a company car, a cell phone, best hotels, best women, whatever you want". The duck considers his offer for a moment and says "so you're a circus owner, right?"
"Right" "And your circus is one of those big tents, right?" "Right." "With a sandy arena in the middle?" "Yes" "And with rows of seats around?" "Correct" "So what the fuck you need a bricklayer for???"
Sigh. My Jeep now has Illinois plates. It was really sad, taking off my California plates. At least I still have my California driver's license. For now.
A man walks into a bar with a dog. The bartender says "Hey buddy, can't you read that sign? It says no dogs allowed! Get that mutt outta here!" The man replies "No, I can't read the sign - I'm blind, and this is my seeing eye dog". The bartender is very flustered, and gives the man a beer on the house as way of an apology.
So later that day this guy is telling his friend about it - "I told him I was blind and I got a free beer!". And the friend takes his dog into the bar and sits down, and the bartender says "The sign says no dogs allowed! Get out with that thing!" The friend says "I can't read the sign, I'm blind and this is my seeing eye dog." Bartender replies "Since when do they give out Chihuahuas as seeing eye dogs?" The man says "They gave me a Chihuahua?!!?!"
Hey, Ed! Maybe you can post this on the blogs for me, as I have working through other people's computers for a week now. Mine's being fixed....
Children laugh 146 times a day, adults laugh only 4 times a day.....no wonder we're so unhappy. Sometimes when you have a stressful day or week, you need some silliness to break up the day.
Here is your dose... Follow the instructions to find your new name. The following in an excerpt from a children's book, "Captain Underpants and the Perilous Plot of Professor Poopypants" by Dave Pilkey. The evil Professor forces everyone to assume new names...
Use the third letter of your first name to determine your New first name: a = poopsie b = lumpy c = buttercup d = gidget e = crusty f = greasy g = fluffy h = cheeseball i = chim-chim j = stinky k = flunky l = boobie m = pinky n = zippy o = goober p = doofus q = slimy r = loopy s = snotty t = tulefel u = dorkey v = squeezit w = oprah x = skipper y = dinky z = zsa-zsa
Use the second letter of your last name to determine the first half of your new last name: a = apple b = toilet c = giggle d = burger e = girdle f = barf g = lizard h = waffle i = cootie j = monkey k = potty l = liver m = banana n = rhino o = bubble p = hamster q = toad r = gizzard s = pizza t = gerbil u = chicken v = pickle w = chuckle x = tofu y = gorilla z = stinker
Use the fourth letter of your last name to determine the second half of your new last name: a = head b = mouth c = face d = nose e = tush f = breath g = pants h = shorts i = lips j = honker k = butt l = brain m = tushie n = chunks o = hiney p = biscuits q = toes r = buns s = fanny t = sniffer u = sprinkles v = kisser w = squirt x = humperdinck y = brains z = juice
Which makes me Dorkey CootieKisser. Great.
Who wants a t-shirt? It's just the think to show unity for you new state leader! Better get them now before they are mandatory!
I am so glad I don't live in California anymore.
I recently found a bunch of bar jokes, so I thought I'd inflict them on you. You have been warned.
So a grasshopper walks into a bar and jumps up on a stool. The bartender comes over and says "Hey, you know we have a drink named after you". And the grasshopper says "You have a drink named Ernie?"
I have way too much going on in my Dock.
I went out to my Jeep this morning and found frost on it. Actual frozen water. On my Jeep. And on the grass. I am so dreading winter.