Yeah, I know it's only Wednesday but for me it's virtual Friday, since I'm off work the next two days and will be offline for the most part. So here you are:
A hunter shoots a duck out of the air and it lands inside a fence. When he jumps the fence to retrieve it a rancher comes out of his house and says, "Hold on there, partner. That duck's on my property, it belongs to me."
The hunter says, "But I shot the duck. I'm sorry it landed in your fence, but it belongs to me."
"Nothing doing," says the rancher. "That duck is mine."
"I've got an idea," the hunter said. "I'll challenge you for it. I'll kick you in the nuts, then you kick me in the nuts, and we'll go back and forth until someone gives up. The winner gets the duck."
"Okay, sounds good" the rancher said. So the hunter squares up on him and with all his might lands a crushing blow right to the ranchers balls. The rancher goes down, wailing in agony, rolling on the ground and turning blue. After a minute or two of whimpering in excruciating pain the rancher gets up and says, "That was a pretty good shot, but now it's my turn."
The hunter says, "Nah, on second thought, you can have the duck."
Well, it looks like things aren't so bad after all for my dad. I don't have to fly off to California, and he's going to be okay.
It's amazing how a phone call can totally change the focus of the day. It seems my father is really ill and going to the hospital. At any second I may have to fly to California.
The last time this happened I made a land speed record down the 405 from Studio City to Long Beach. Made it there in 30 minutes on a weekday. This time it'll take a lot longer. And, worse, I have to wait and see what's happening.
Suddenly, I'm very tired.
The weather reports all said it would snow today, but no one really believed it. Yesterday at noon Vicki and I went to see the horses and it was 60° (15.5 celsius). A couple of hours later it was 45° (7.2 celsius).
This morning as I was getting ready for work I peeked out the window and saw snow had accumulated at the edges of the park in back. Once I got my glasses on I saw it was actually snowing! Cool! (Literally!)
It's currently 20° (-6.6 celsius), but it feels like 5° (-15 celsius) due to wind chill. Yup. It's cold out side.
Two more since I forgot last week:
Jim and Bob went duck hunting with Jim's hound dog. "This is the best damn duck hunting dog you'll ever see," Jim said.
The sent the dog over the first hill to scout it out. He came running back, raised his paw once and pointed. They went over the hill and saw one duck. "See, I told you," said Jim.
They sent the dog over the second hill, he came running back, raised his paw twice, and pointed. They went over the hill and saw two ducks. Bob said, "That's amazing."
The third hill Jim said, "I'm going to go with him this time, you wait here." They go over the hill and the dog comes running back. When Jim finally gets back to Bob a minute later, his dog is shot dead.
"What the hell happened? You shot my dog???" Jim yelled.
"I had to," said Bob. "That dog just went crazy. First he humped my leg, then he grabbed a tree branch in his mouth and jumped around, then he humped me again, then grabbed the branch again. He just went nuts, I had to put him down."
"You IDIOT!" Jim screamed. "He was trying to tell you that over that hill there are more fucking ducks than you can shake a stick at!"
This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out. Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again. Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing. About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!" The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk." "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below. The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're a jerk when you're drunk."
It looks like Farscape isn't dead just yet! Woohoo!
I think this is the best news I've heard in a while!
A two for one special today folks! (Because they are small jokes.)
This one is for my new bother-in-law, Kirk:
An angry woman walks up to the golf course attendant and says, "I just got stung by a bee right between the first and second holes!"
The attendant says, "Well Ma'am, I'd reccomend you narrow your stance a bit."
And this is for Lare:
Q: Why is drinking American beer like making love in a canoe? A: Because it's fucking near water.
You can make your own signs here: The Curch Sign Generator. Fun for the whole family!
I've been using the iTunes Music Store to find old stuff I haven't listened to in a while. Old Clash singles, Bauhaus, Social Distortion and Bad Religion. I forgot how cool some of these old songs are. Listening to old Bad Religion really brings back some memories...
...you feel the need to ask your boss: "So, what color would you like the rabbit that I'm going to pull out of this hat?"