A guy sits alone at a bar, drinking his beer. From out of nowhere, he hears a voice say, "You look great, man! Have you lost weight?" He looks around, and confirms that the only other person in the bar is the bartender, who is all the way at the other end of the bar. He shrugs it off, and takes another drink of his beer.
"That's a really nice suit. It looks good on you," the voice says again.
The guy looks around, and before he can say anything, the voice says, "You have very nice eyes."
The guy freaks out, and shouts, "Hey, bartender! Come here!"
As the bartender arrives, the voice speaks again. "That's a nice haircut!"
"Who keeps talking to me?!" The guy asks the bartender.
"Oh, that?" The bartender says, "It's the peanuts. They're complimentary."
T-Minus 23 days 2 hours 46 minutes 57 seconds and counting...
That's 1997217 seconds away...
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on his crotch. The bartender says "Hey buddy, what's with the steering wheel", and the pirate goes "Arrrgg, it's drivin me nuts."
I'm posting this from a Palm Pilot emulator using a Java app called Azure. It's supposed to work on my T610 phone as well, but it's not. So I thought I'd see how it did on a PalmOS device. Geeky, I know...
We now have drywall. And a closing date: March 17th 2004. Woohoo!
why do women wear makeup and perfume? cuz they're ugly and smell bad
And these weren't the really big ones. These were only about a foot long. The big ones were three or four feet long. Yikes!
I've been slacking so here's two bad jokes:
A guy walks into a bar and sees sitting upon the bar a tiny little man, less than a foot high, playing a tiny little piano. He asks the bartender about it, and the bartender tells him that he has a genie that lives in his shirt pocket that grants him wishes. The guy asks to try it out, and the bartender agrees, but warns him that the genie is hard of hearing. So, speaking slowly and loudly, the guys leans towards the bartender's shirt pocket and says "I wish I had a million bucks!". "QUACK, QUACK, QUACK"...the bar fills up with ducks. The guy yells at the bartender about the intolerable situation, and the bartender responds...(wait for it...)
"I warned you the genie was hard of hearing...do you think I asked for an eight-inch pianist?"
There was this couple that was married for 20 years, and every time they had sex the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights. Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was stupid. She figured she would break him out of the crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of doin it, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a dildo and reading the newspaper. She gets completely upset. You bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years. You better explain yourself!" The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says, calmly, "I'll explain the dildo if you can explain our three kids."