1. Cigarettes: gross
2. Sex: awesome
3. Relationships: awesome
4. Your Last Ex: distant lifetime ago
5. Power rangers: they're still around?
6. Marijuana: gross
7. Crack: losers
8. Food: fun
9. This President: don't get me started
10. War: unneecessary
11. Cars: go fast
12. Gas Prices: arm, leg, firstborn
13. Halloween: used to be fun
14. Bon Jovi: he's still around?
15. Religion: brings out the best or worst in people
16. MySpace: so teeny
17. Worst Fear: the unknown
18. Marriage: awesome (well, the 2nd time)
19. Fashion: useless
20. Brunettes: have more fun, really
21. Redheads: a Cunningham?
22. Work: stress
23. Pass the time: tv, pc
24. One night stands: hollow
25. Cellphones: getting ridiculous
26. Pet Peeves: bad drivers
27. Pixie Stix: addictive
28. Vanilla Ice Cream: eat it
29. Porta Potties: smell
30. High school: worst years of my life
31. Pajamas: haven't had any in ages
32. Wood: chop
33. Surfers: trendy teens
34. Pictures: look at the funny haircuts
35. First True Love: RAIDEEN!!!!!!!!!!
1. Never start a trio with a married couple.
2. Your manager's not helping you. Fire him/her.
3. Before you sign a record deal, look up the word "recoupable" in the dictionary.
4. No one cares who you've opened for.
5. A string section does not make your songs sound any more "important".
6. If your band has gone through more than 4 bass players, it's time to break up.
7. When you talk on stage you are never funny.
8. If you sound like another band, don't act like you're unfamiliar with their music
("Oh, does Rage Against The Machine also do rap-rock with political lyrics?")
9. Asking a crowd how they're doing is just amplified small talk. Don't do it.
10. Don't say your video's being played if it's only on the Austin Music Network.
11. When you sign to a major label, claim to have inked the best contract ever. Mention
"artistic freedom" and "a guaranteed 3 record deal".
12. When you get dropped insist that it was the worst contract ever and you asked to be let go.
13. Never name a song after your band.
14. Never name your band after a song.
15. When a drummer brings in his own songs and asks to perform one of them, begin
looking for a new drummer IMMEDIATELY.
16. Never enter a "battle of the bands" contest. If you do you're already a loser.
17. Learn to recognize scary word pairings: "rock opera", "white rapper", "blues jam",
"swing band", "open mike", etc.
18. Drummers can take off their shirts or they can wear gloves, but not both.
19. Listen, either break it to your parents or we will; it's rock 'n' roll, not a soccer
game. They've gotta stop coming to your shows.
20. It's not a "showcase". It's a gig that doesn't pay.
21. No one cares that you have a web site.
22. Getting a tattoo is like sewing platform shoes to your feet.
23. Don't hire a publicist.
24. Playing in Portsmouth and Nashua doesn't mean you're on tour.
25. Don't join a cover band that plays Bush songs. In fact, don't join a cover band.
26. Although they come in different styles and colors, electric guitars all sound the same.
Why do you keep changing them between songs?
27. Don't stop your set to ask that beers be brought up. That's what
girlfriends/boyfriends are for.
28. If you use a smoke machine, your music stinks.
29. We can tell the difference between a professionally produced album cover and one
you made with the iMac your mom got for Christmas.
30. Remember: if blues solos are so difficult, why can so many 16 year olds play them?
31. If you ever take a publicity photo, destroy it. You may never know where or when
it will turn up.
32. Cut your hair, but do not shave your head.
33. Pierce your nose, but not your eyebrow.
34. Do not wear shorts onstage. Or a suit. Or a hat.
35. Rock oxymorons: "major label interest", "demo deal"," blues genius", "$500 guarantee", and "Fastball's second hit".
36. 3 things that are never coming back: a)gongs, b) headbands, and c)playing slide guitar with a beer bottle.
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